Dr. Browning's Tips & Advice Blog

Is it true what they say? — "Women speak in estrogen and men hear in testosterone "?  Well, when it comes to the way men and women communicate with each other, it sure seems like it.

Let me discuss here the two most common mistakes that cause major relationship problems to help you avoid them. First the female side, then the male.

Ladies, when you use these 4 dreaded words he really hates , up go the walls and his defenses, and communicating with your man is doomed.  What are these dreaded words — "We need to talk". When he hears  you say those four trigger words, what does his imagination (and his fears) tell him?  That there are some HEAVY-DUTY PROBLEMS headed straight in his direction.  And he "knows" he won't be able to "fix" any of them. This makes him feel helpless and inadequate.

Men are fixers.  And fixers run away fast from anything--and anyone--who makes them feel helpless or inadequate.

So, when you send the "We need to talk" message, he throws up the Great Wall of China and runs for the hills

You need a new a better approach if you're going to get anywhere communicating with your man.

Now for the guys, it's your turn. When you say these 6 dreaded words she really hates , you're shooting yourself in both feet. What are these dreaded trigger words — "I don't want to talk about it." You set in motion a chain reaction of more "problem stuff" you will end up having to talk about anyway.

When you use those dreaded words, here's how she interprets it:  "He doesn't care about me...He doesn't care about us...I can never seem to get through to him." You think that using those words will somehow "protect" yourself or make it go away.  WRONG!  In reality, you're only delaying the inevitable.  She'll bottle up her feelings and frustrations and that pressure cooker will blow somewhere down the line ... and in your direction!

You need to learn a new and better approach if you're going to get anywhere communicating with your woman.

OK, ladies, if "We need to talk" only sets you up for banging your head against a brick wall in communicating with your man, then what should you say? Good question.

You shouldn't just bury it and avoid talking to him because you know he'll tell you he doesn't want to talk about it.  That only results in a “toxic dump of the soul” that will eventually explode somewhere down the line.  You've been there; you know.  And suppression of your feelings can cause you major health problems (which we'll talk about in another blog).

Instead, try this approach to get him to listen to you: "Hey honey, by the way, I've been thinking about __________________ (some very specific issue and only one ). I'd like to get your opinion on this. When would be a good time for us to go over it, now or tonight at 7:30?”

Reread that statement over several times to get the feel of it so you can get comfortable saying it. Say it out loud a few times and visualize yourself saying it to your guy.

Why does this method tend to work better with men? Here’s the reason:

His reaction to "We need to talk" is like a reflex ... it's automatic.  But you can retrain yourself to never use those communication-killers with your man.

Bite your tongue when you feel like getting something settled with him now — Leave the room if you have to.  Then, come back and try the "Hey honey, by the way..." technique. Then watch his reaction.  And watch your communication open up as you really connect with him.  You will very likely find more bridges, fewer walls, and a whole lot less conflict, stress and frustration in your relationship.

I know what you're thinking.  "It's impossible to ever understand women.  Men are from Mars, women from Venus, case closed.  And besides, how does this guy know what "works" with women, anyway?" Fair question.  Let me respond.

First off, it's not impossible.  God created women, didn't He?  "In the image of God created He them, male and female."  Later on He says, ""with God, all things are possible."  And that "all things" does cover you understanding your woman! And we'll help you do just that.

Secondly, what does this guy know about what “works” with women? This year will mark our 40th wedding anniversary—happier now than ever.

In those four decades I've learned the hard way what doesn't work, and what does.  And, as a therapist and marriage counselor for the same length of time, many of the clients we see are women. I've worked with thousands of women.

So, it's from that kind of experience—personal and professional—that I share these tips with you. So, if "I don't wanna talk about it" only sets in motion that chain reaction of multiplied miseries and brings you more intense problems you have to deal with later, what does work?

Next time you’re tempted to use those dig-yourself-a-deeper-hole words, bite your tongue and say this instead when she really wants to talk about something you don't want to talk about:

"OK, how about we talk about this right after dinner tonight, or before I go to work in the morning, so I can concentrate and we’ll have less distractions?" P ull your eyes away from the computer or TV (force yourself!), look her square in the eyes (you can do it!), and say, "Sorry, can you repeat what you just said and help me understand?" Magic to a woman’s ears! It tells her you really want to listen and want to understand her.  Music to her ears!

Now, we suggest you go back and reread that statement several times so you get the feel of it. Sure, it’ll be uncomfortable at first, but isn’t less conflict, less stress, fewer blow-ups worth it? Sure it is. Say that statement out loud until you get comfortable hearing yourself saying it. Imagine yourself saying it to your special lady.

So, why does that statement tend to work better with women? Here’s the reason:

So you see, you can understand women, and women will be in awe when their man actually communicates with them fearlessly! Yes, it’s true … God is still in the miracle-working business.

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Living In Victory !

1. Get to the bottom line fast . DON’T say: “Listen, we need to talk about something.” This instantly makes him anxious, may make him defensive, and when that happens, he may hear nothing you say . Solution: get to the point quickly. DO say: “Honey, when could we sit down and talk about what happened with your Mom the other day? Would now be good, or tomorrow after work?” He still may be uneasy and less than overjoyed about the topic, but at least he’ll be less likely to shut you out.
2. Avoid telling him what to do. DON’T say: “You need to stop talking to the kids like that.” This only makes him feel controlled, and that only leads to resistance or rebellion. Make “you need to…” off limits in your relationship! Interesting how most men love to be IN CONTROL, but hate to BE CONTROLLED, isn’t it? DO say: “Sweetheart, it would really make me happy if you could try to be a little more patient with the kids.” And whatever you do, don’t say those words in front of the kids! Behind closed doors and only when he’s in a pretty good mood.
3. Don’t force him to talk about problems “ right now .” Women typically want to talk things out right away and vent their feelings. They need the security of knowing all is well, or at least as well as it can be. Men, on the other hand, like talking about problems about as much as getting a root canal. DON’T say: “We’re not going to sleep until we get this settled.” DO say: “I know it’s late and you don’t feel like talking right now, I understand. So, when would be a better time to talk about this, tomorrow morning, or later in the day tomorrow?” Try to get him to commit to a definite time, but do not push him to talk when he’s tired, angry, hungry or in a bad mood … and definitely not when his favorite team loses! This way you’ll avoid the emotional outbursts, the “whatever” freeze-out, or the brick wall going up. You’ll also save yourself from a whole lot of stress and frustration.
4. Avoid the Electronic Zone-Out. If he’s watching TV (especially sports), using the computer, or texting, don’t even try getting your point across. You’ll only get upset and he’ll get irritated. DON’T say: “You’re not even hearing a single word I’m saying, are you?...You never listen to me!” DO say: “Hey, let me know when you can take a break from that so we can discuss this weekend’s plans, OK?” Too often electronic “toys” cause more communication problems than they solve. Don’t try to compete with them. Life is hard enough. Yes, he “should” turn off everything when he hears your voice. But that is not the real world, is it? Seize windows of availability carefully, or create them with this technique. And watch your tone of voice. If you’re frustrated or angry, don’t say a word to him. Instead, shoot up a quick prayer, inviting the Lord right into the midst of your attitude and your reaction—allow Him to be Lord over your reaction, sweetening your attitude—and then when you talk to your man, he’ll hear more love and less wrath.
5. Beware of communication overload. Stick to ONE issue and one issue only when you have his attention. You want him to feel that he can handle dealing with the issue at hand. If he feels that he’s overwhelmed and can’t “fix” it, he may create some conflict to push you away, or withdraw to “protect” himself, leaving you stuck with no solution. Memorize it—ONE ISSUE AT A TIME.
6. When you can’t resolve things right away, it helps to write down your thoughts and feelings to relieve and release built-up hurts, anger, stress or frustration. It also helps to write in a personal journal or diary a letter to God, pouring out all that’s on your heart. Let it all out. You can then talk it out later with your man, and things will be less likely to escalate due to the pressure cooker build-up.

1. Don’t try to “fix” it. When she talks to you—or tries to—do NOT try to solve the problem instantly. She doesn’t just want a solution or a quick fix. She wants to know you CARE. Put everything else aside and tune in to her. LISTEN, don’t fix. I’ll repeat that power tool for you: Listen, Don’t fix. Memorize that one.
2. Let her talk to your face, not to the back or side of your head. When she talks to you, look at her face-to-face. Unglue your eyes from the computer, the TV, the texting, or any other distractions. Eye-to-eye, unhook from everything else. When she talks to the back of your head, you don’t even want to know what she is thinking … not happy thoughts! When you show her that you “love” your electronic toys more than her, you end up sacrificing a lot more than you think.
3. Don’t forget to remember … the little things. A hug. A squeeze. A tickle. A love note in the fridge or on her pillow. A gift for no occasion at all. A surprise compliment. Over time, doing the little things produces big results. Get a copy of a little how-to manual with a truckload of great ideas to help you think of these little things. It’s called “Light Her Fire” by Ellen Kreidman. And while you’re at it, buy a copy of “Light His Fire” and give it to her.
4. Keep your promises. If you tell her you’re going to do something with her, fix something for her, call at a certain time, be home at a specified time, do something with the kids — DO IT, or don’t commit to it. Trust is a huge part of respect, and you need both. Keep your commitments and you build trust and respect on a solid foundation.
5. Don’t try to avoid talking about problems. Ask her questions when she brings up something that’s bothering her. Sure, you want it to just “go away,” but force yourself to ask her to say MORE about it. Crank up your courage and ask her to elaborate. For example, she says, “We need to talk. I have asked you three times to clean out the garage.” You are tempted to say, “Oh brother … here we go again!” NOT SMART! Say that and you set yourself up for more complaints and more nagging. Count on it. Instead, say something like this: “Yeah, I know, you’re right. I’m sorry. I should have taken care of that stuff the first time you mentioned it. Can you tell me where you’d like me to put…And what would you like me to do first?...I’ll do that first thing Saturday morning, is that OK?” Her shock will subside but the payoffs will keep coming. God says that He “resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Humility is the greatest power tool on earth, even though it is seldom used.
6. Learn how to handle Hint Language. Women tend to speak what we call “Hint Language,” indirectly revealing their needs and desires. For example: “Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” Husband, riveted to his computer, gives her a quick glance, looks back at the computer, and says, “The dress looks fine.” He didn’t get the hint. It’s NOT just about the dress! What she really means is, “I don’t feel good about myself right now and I need some reassurance that I’m pretty and you love me as is.” Learn to LISTEN FOR THE NEEDS, not the logic . Read between the lines and behind the scenes . Here’s an area where you need real wisdom. So, what would be the right response to, “Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” Try this, turning your chair toward her voice and face, and say, “Hmm, turn around…let me see the back…turn around…I think you look GREAT in that dress. It’s perfect for this occasion.” Find something positive to say about HER in the dress, not just the dress.
7. Avoid pushing the Disrespect Button. “Oh brother, here we go again!”   “Yeah, yeah, we’ve gone over this a thousand times…” “Whatever.” Devaluing what she says only hurts, never helps. And when you say stuff like this, she only buries her feelings and the pressure cooker builds up steam. Later that day another trivial issue may come up, but because you didn’t take care of business with her when she needed you . . . boom! For the sake of your relationship, and self-preservation, show her that her needs matter even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you. If it’s significant for her, decide to make it matter to you too.
8. Don’t be afraid of the Whirlwind of Words . A guy is looking through the Sunday paper one morning and runs across a study that shows that “the average woman uses an average of 6,000 to 8,000 words a day and five tones of voice. The average man speaks about 2,000 to 4,000 words a day with only three tones of voice.” Very excited, he shows the study to his wife, now that he has proof she talks too much, and now he can justify his lack of interest in talking to her. After reading the study and giving this some serious thought, she says, “That makes perfect sense. It’s because we have to repeat everything we say over and over to men.” To which he of course responds, “What?” Here’s the deal. It’s really about trying to GET CLOSE and CONNECTING with you. This is about “intimacy”. And when you choose to let her talk, and you choose to really listen and talk with her, she’ll connect with you in other ways, too, and you’ll be mighty glad you made the sacrifice.
9. On your way home from work, shift into Gear “A”. Gear A stands for AVAILABLE. Turn off the news or talkers on the car radio, CD or iPod and prepare to FOCUS ON HER. When she’s with you, sit together in a quiet place or take a short walk. Ask her questions! (You can do it). “Fill me in on your day…How’d it go with the kids?...What was the highlight of your day?...How’d it go with…?” And here’s another good place to pray for the preparation of your heart, leaving the “cares of the world” and pressures of the day behind you. Ask the One who invented relationships to help you be there for her, to make her feel special, and to put her first when you get home.